Home Without Hank



Today is a hard day for us. Today I have to leave without my baby. As I pack my bag I see his blanket that I knit. I see his little booties, his coming home outfit, and his little blue hat. I see the empty car seat. The silence in deafening. I feel numb as I go through the motions of getting ready to go home. I will pump some more milk and leave it in the refrigerator for him. Right now that is all I can do. He is still not taking anything by mouth. He is still sedated. He is still under a blanket of tubes and wires. Precious tubes and wires that are keeping my baby alive. He is in his little manmade womb. But he is alone. He can’t hear my heartbeat or my voice or feel the rhythms of our day. He is just lying there fighting to get better. This will be a long and hard journey for us. I am not good at waiting. I need a plan and there is no such plan. Things change from moment to moment.

My heart is pulled in so many directions today. My girls need me. They have been without routine or mom and dad for days and it is starting to show. They need their mom and dad too, but Hank needs me. Or maybe I need Hank. Either way this is most difficult. I never wanted to know how it felt to go home without a baby. My only comfort is with God’s blessings he will come home one day. While we have been at the hospital three mothers have lost their babies and will never be bringing their babies home.

Our friends and family have been our backbone throughout this time and without them we would not have been able to spend so much time at Hank’s bedside. Thank you all for your love, support and prayers. It is sustaining us through this painful time and Hank is improving. The nurse told me this morning they think he is ready to be extubated today. One tube closer to holding my little Hank.

11 comments:

Steph said...

Katie, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Your sadness shows through your writing and brings tears to my eyes. I am thinking about you all constantly, and am praying for the best. I hope little Hank finds the strength to pull through this and gets to come home soon. Again, please let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help. I know you're busy and distracted, but email me if you need to. I'm happy to give you my phone number too if you need to talk. Take care of yourself and your family, and please keep us updated as you are able. Hugs to all!

Cris said...

I am praying... praying hard.

Anonymous said...

Katie- not a minute has gone by without you, Max, the girls or Hank in my thoughts. I have been asking all of my friends here at school to pray also. I can't get that little man out of my head and feel as though I have already met him in real life. I asked God to send you and Max the strength you need and I just know He will do His best to deliver that. I love you.

Cousin Abby

Abbie said...

Continuing to pray sweet girl. Lean on Gods strength-remember, you don't have to try and be strong all on your own! What a strong little man you have-he will be home in no time, I just know it! :)

Lacey Morgan said...

I'm sorry Momma. I know this is hard. I can't even imagine. But, I know he will pull through this and will be home before you know it. Hank and your family are in my prayers. Love you!

Lisa said...

Oh Katie and Max, I don't know what to say! I keep checking in w/ Connie to get updates. Keep checking the blog for anything additional. My heart aches and I can't even imagine what your going through. Terry and I love you both, and I know with every ounce of my heart, God is with you and He is with our "Little Henry". Hank will have the strength, look at his mom and dad! Prayers are not in short supply for you and the family. Lean on them and your faith! We love you! Auntie Lisa and your Uncle T

Smoochie said...

Hey Katie- it's Kitty Elkins. Melanie's friend. I just wanted to let you know that you, Hank, and your entire family are in my prayers. Sending big hugs your way and lots of positive energy. I told Melanie to tell you, if you need anything- food or a babysitter, whatever- I am available.

xoxoxo Kitty

Monday through Sunday said...

Sweet Katie ~ I am praying~~

Anonymous said...

Katie, I am so sorry you guys are going through this. I have come home from the hospital without my baby and I know how hard it is. I am praying for all of you. Love, Dawn

Greenie Gardens said...

Dear Katie, How difficult this is for you and the family. Stay strong for the girls and Hank. It sounds like he is making steady progress in the right direction.
We're thinking and hopiing for you all. Love, Stephanie

Monday through Sunday said...

I was thinking of you..and praying..just wanted you to know this!