Evil Woman DNA

I am about to give you a tour through the hormonal and messed-up mind of a female. Chicks are just messed-up, plain and simple. Out of the last 8 years I have been pregnant for a total of 3 years and breastfeeding for 3 years and 6 months so far. If you do the math you can see that my body has been involved in creating or feeding a child for about six and a half of the last 8 years. That doesn't leave much time in between each one, say a few months of "freedom". With Hank being our last baby (I had my tubes tied) I have been looking forward to a little freedom. To not have to watch my diet so carefully. To not feel guilty as I sip my morning coffee or have an occasional glass of wine. I have been longing to take a kid-free vacation with Max. I have been looking forward to not being on a nursing leash where I can only leave the baby for a few hours. I have been anticipating the day of no diapers. I have been day dreaming of one day having a clean house and not a family room that looks more like a day care center. I feel our family is complete and have no desire to do it all over again but then the evil woman DNA takes over.

We received a notice that the bassinet we have is under recall. So this weekend I had Max take it down. I stared bewildered as he agonizingly took it part with all of its intended safety features that do more to frustrate the assembler than keep a baby safe. But I wasn't bewildered at that, I was bewildered at the deep pit growing in my stomach. The feeling of loss, a twinge of sadness, a hot feeling growing around my eyes. I am never going to need a bassinet again. I am never going to have a baby again. Even though I can't fathom having another child, I am disturbed by the knowledge that I will never do this again. Before I could slide down the slippery-sap slope into a complete blubbering mess, Max completed the project and we were off to the next honey-do chore.

Ahh, but the woman DNA had not finished her lashing. Yesterday I decided I need to start exercising again and pulled out my trusty yoga tape. It happens to be a prenatal yoga tape that I have used during each of my pregnancies and postpartum to tone up. Well, you can just imagine the flurry of emotions as I was transported back to all the times I had done the tape pregnant. Meditating with my hand on my growing baby and doing this and that pose to "increase circulation to your baby", the instructor telling me to "breath deeply for the baby inside me". By the end of the tape I could feel my uterus aching and my ovaries contriving a plan on how they could shoot an egg past the road block for just one more go around!

I turned off the tape and tried to analyze what was wrong with me. I can barely handle the kids I have and have no rational want or desire for more, yet every other part of me can't seem to come to terms with the fact that the childbearing decade is coming to a close and that I will never be pregnant again. I have a mind that does not want more kids and is eager to move on to the next stage of our family, a heart that is sad to see this chapter end, and a reproductive tract that has a one tract mind... More! This my friends is a scary peek into the female psyche. I suppose with each baby item we give away or take down (let me tell you there is an entire house full) I will have this internal war waging. I know Max is down on his knees thanking the good Lord above for my OB who so neatly surgically cut the possibility of the evil woman DNA from ever winning this war. :)

5 comments:

Monday through Sunday said...

I have been struggling with the same thing. It is confusing to say the least. :)

Courtney said...

You are a genius! LOL! I have heard the same thing from so many women, you are not alone!

Steph said...

I know what you mean, Katie. Taking the crib down (and SELLING it) was the worst. Even though I am TOTALLY overwhelmed right now, somehow the "knowing" there will be no more is just hard!

Lacey said...

I hear ya sister!! Totally know what your going through. I keeping telling myself this may not be our last....but deep inside I know it is a STRONG possibility. You are not alone my friend.

Devin said...

Yep, right there with ya:-( My ovaries ache each time I think about the fact that we're through. No tubes tied, I'm just too old.